I never thought I'd make it through, especially after getting hit hard with postpartum depression. That was the hardest thing to overcome and it helped me learn so much about myself. I really tried to separate myself from my husband's career because I didn't want to be "one of those wives" but I never had the chance. This deployment gave me that chance, sure I rambled on about missing him but there was finally other things to talk about besides his job. It's been nice and I hope that when he's back I can still focus on things besides the Marine Corps.
I am proud that I was able to give our house a complete transformation. It no longer looks like it did a year ago. It finally has some "us" to it and it really feels like home. I hung the wedding pictures and bought so many cute decorations. He really won't believe it's the same house when he walks through the door. I have something that I can feel proud of because I did all of it without his help. There's still plenty more to do but I spaced it out so that it helps this little bit of time left fly by.
I'm really hoping to find a new hobby when he's home. I never appreciated my alone time until now and I will definitely make the most of it as soon as I can. There's nothing that I have in mind yet but maybe I'll figure it out. I'm happy I discovered that I can handle things without always needing him. I always heavily depended on him but I feel like a big girl now lol. This has been a terrifying, lonely, sad but wonderful experience. I never thought I would say that last part because it didn't feel like that 4 months ago but I am thankful for being able to experience this and honestly I would do it again in a heartbeat.
So very excited for the changes of 2012!! Hubby and I have so many goals we want to accomplish. Life is changing as we know it because we now realize the potential he has in the military. We are working on doing another enlistment because he is picking up rank so fast it'd be kinda dumb to waste it by getting out. He works so very hard to get to the next step in his career and I couldn't be more proud of him. People think its just handed to him but its not because he's just an amazing Marine who works hard and achieves his goals. He just found out he has a really good chance of picking up staff sgt next year which is when his contract is up so we are looking into the opportunities that gives us when he reenlists. It's so exciting already! He's telling me all these wonderful jobs that he has the chance to do and it makes me happy to hear him actually looking forward to something. On top of that we are looking to move when he returns from deployment. It will more than likely be off base and in an apartment or maybe a house if we're lucky. Our BAH just jumped up and its so not worth the hassles that housing gives us. Our main goal is saving to buy a new car which we will definitely accomplish when he gets back and then after that its focusing on buying our first home:) I just love how everything is falling into place for us and our future is being planned. Our family is ready for the next big step. I've accepted that I'm no longer close with anyone but I've also realized I don't need anyone. As hard as its been, the kids and I are handling this deployment very well. We live life but I never forget to tell my babies all about dad and how much he loves them. We are reaching our positive place and its only getting better!
I'm loving Colorado and all of its beauty! And of course its a Godsend being around family and my awesome friends. I'm not going back to cali when I planned to so now its kinda a wait and see game. Hubby wants me to stay as long as I can because he knows how much I (most of the time) enjoy being home. Friday my dad, sister and I head up to Denver to see the nuggets and lakers play! It will be so fun!!!
That's all for now:)
It's so nice to finally say next year we are getting out of the Marine Corps and moving back home. Wow it feels good to put home. We have so many plans and so much to look forward to. I haven't completely enjoyed this lifestyle but then again it's all I've ever known. How will we adjust to the civilian life? Time will only. My biggest fear is that hubby won't be happy being a civilian but I think he will be okay. I just cannot handle more separation. The only reason I want out is because of our children. I have had the hardest time explaining to our son why daddy isn't around and he just doesn't deserve this. Baby girl is too little to get it but she doesn't deserve for her daddy to miss out on how fast she grows. I know this is what he wanted but we also didn't realize we were gonna be parents when he joined. Our kids don't deserve this and I think hubby is starting to realize that. Why would our kids grow up without him when it's not necessary? He loves what he does but he loves his children more. I look at these wives who are on their 5th or 6th deployment and they just have me in awe with how they can do it. I am a Marine's wife but just after this first week of deployment I know I never want to do this again. I am so happy they are starting the draw down this year because who knows, maybe he can come home sooner than we think. I don't think I was cut out for this kind of life even though I've done a good job with it. I believe God has bigger plans for my family and the Marine Corps is not it. Next year we will see where life takes us and how well we cope. Who knows we both might end up dying to get back in.
It's day 10 of this long journey and its been okay. Mom and shellie have been here to keep me distracted and help with the kids but I think all it did was numb me. It numbed me from facing the reality that I'm all alone and how much I really do miss him. The first day was so very hard because I just cried the whole time. What do you do when one day they're there and the next day they're on the other side of the world? Once that first day passed I was ready to move on and start living again but I just cannot get it together. No matter what I do I can't shake the feeling of chaos. Mom has been ap helpful with cleaning and getting the house together for me which should make it easier when they leave in the morning. I do not plan to do anything or go anywhere for at least a week just because I want to get my son back to normal again. He has so many daddy break downs and I am really struggling with what to do.
I can't stay home for too long though because I have to start preparing to go home. My father in law is flying in from Colorado on the 25th to help me drive back so I can visit for a few months. I really honestly don't know why I'm even going home, I guess its so our families can meet baby girl and so I'm not alone for the whole deployment. I have friends there but all they do is party and drink and I just can't do that anymore. It's not acceptable to me when I have 2 kids so I guess I'll be at my sisters or moms house most of the time. I'm not looking forward to all the fighting over the kids! We'll all be pulled in 500 different directions and that won't be any fun.
I feel our communication is starting to lack, a lot. We haven't skyped and we talk for a few minutes a day, if that. I know its not his fault and he's so busy trying to adjust because they keep switching his work schedule (assholes) but its beginning to take its toll on our son. He wonders why daddy left and why he can't talk to him and it just breaks my heart. I'm praying things work themselves out and he gets used to everything because we really need each other right now.
Well that's really it for now so until next time, bye!
Today has been a pretty terrible day. Hubby had to go to work till freakin noon, our phones got turned off again! And to top it all of I was .4 degrees away from heading to the er on our last day together. I dropped him off to come home and nap but I woke up feeling terrible so I go to call him and it won't let me. No texting or calls, oddly our internet still worked though. I didn't have the strength to run to the car and get the credit card to pay it so I just lied there while baby girl cried and the dog and kid terrorized the house. My temperature was 101.6 and I felt like I was back in Colorado with the negative degree weather. I couldn't stop shaking or aching. Ugh just a bad day. I can't seem to catch a break but it'll get better soon, nothing lasts forever!
We both have yet to acknowledge that he's leaving so this will be the hardest day of our lives!! I'm ready though, I am strong. I'm texting an awesome friend right now to kinda ease the pain so its just a matter of time before we get the hang of this and then time will fly by. Just had to vent my bad day. Peace out.
I am expecting to get through this deployment alone. I have learned too many times not to depend on anyone. I just need to look out for my kids now because in the end, after all this is over and done with, them and my family will be the only ones standing there. I can trust them to guide me through this no matter how far they are. I would have loved to go home but it's not worth the hassle of packing up and getting a storage place. People will be there for me and I am thankful for that but I just need to depend on myself and my husband's kind words of encouragement to make it through. It will be the longest we've ever been apart and the longest we'll ever be apart but it's life and we knew this was coming. I am extremely dependent on him and I really don't know why. I guess it's just because I hate being without him even for a minute so this will be a challenge for me but I can do it because our kids need me to do it. I will cry, I will get angry, I will get frustrated but at the end of the day it will all be okay. I am proud of myself for even being able to type this without crying.
I hope to keep updating throughout this deployment to maintain some sanity.
It's pretty possible that my husband will miss her birth but I am actually not scared because I know God will do what's best for my family and I. I'm putting all my faith into Him so that I know everything that can be done will be done. I plan on going home for a few months after he leaves. I swore I wouldn't because I didn't want to give up our house and I wanted to be independent but it's what's best for me and my kids. Also with the bs and drama that's been going on around here, getting away sounds pretty good. I can work on my independence when I get back, I just feel comfortable going home where I know I won't be alone. My big boy will love spending time with his cousins and family so it will definitely be worth it to see him happy and really interacting for a few months.
He is getting so smart! He knows how to count to ten, all of his ABC's, how to associate pictures with the right letter, and what each letter of the alphabet looks like. It amazes me how much they learn in just a day! One minute he says just a word and the next he's making sentences. We couldn't be any prouder of him:) He still refuses to acknowledge his sister or speak about her so we'll see how he reacts when she's really here. His dad is teaching him so many new things that I can't keep up. Today while I carved his pumpkin they played soccer and he plays pretty good, just like dad! He's definitely going on a team next summer. He can play football pretty well but we're not sure about basketball since we haven't actually owned one for a long time. I'm sure husband will work with him on it before he leaves.
Baby girl still has no name and I am starting to think she never will. We don't really have a list because we're both being so picky, he hates all my ideas and I hate his. I really would like to wait till she's born to name her but due to the circumstances that may not be an option. So we have to suck it up and get crackin' on it.
Yet another short but sweet post! I'm pretty sure I'll blog again in a few days (I hope).
Hubby leaves to the field tomorrow morning and I'm really sad mainly because I've never had to deal with him gone longer than 3 days. I don't know when he'll be home so I am hoping to tackle all my projects while he's away. It mainly consists of finally unpacking our room, painting the kids room and bathroom, getting the carpet cleaned, and many many other things. I have the motivation because I've been nesting like a crazy person lately! I go on cleaning sprees like every day and almost every hour lol. My goal is to really start decorating this house and giving it that "home" feeling. I am just so tired of moving and looking at white walls. I want to slowly buy all the little things here and there that really bring together a house.
Onto a topic that has annoyed the crap out of me because dramatic, crybaby military wives! The whole "Soulja Boy" song is dumb and people are dumb for bringing attention to it. Neither my husband and I are offended or could care less. It's a song!!! I guess I'm not your typical spouse. It's so annoying how they cry "these are the same people who fight for your freedom, blah blah blah" NEWS FLASH wives; our freedom is not at risk! We are the ones who invaded them (for God knows what reason). Ugh it drives me nuts!!!!!!! All these spouses need to take a chill pill, ignore it and get over yourselves. They act soooo much like they're the ones who are serving. Rant over!
I am happy we're almost feeling normal again but that will all end soon when hubby leaves to "Afghani-Land" as he likes to call it. I am nowhere near ready for it but at least my mom and sister are coming out to help me for a few weeks! They're so excited as am I. It'll be mom's first time coming to California so I hope she likes it. Well I'm all over yet again on this blog so it's bedtime!