Friends... What does that even mean these days? It seems no one has that answer. Throughout my life there has never been one person (besides my sisters) that I could depend on, trust, and share all my deepest thoughts with. There have been some who came and went but no one has ever bothered to stick around. In school I always tended to float from one group of friends to the other but as soon as I got pregnant, I was alone. My then boyfriend left for boot camp and there I was my junior year in high school going through two life changing experiences, one on top of the other, with no one to share it with. I guess people felt scared? I'm not sure but that gave them no right to just abandon me in my hardest situation.Then the summer before senior year we got married and bam, all of a sudden I am a freak of nature! That's when everything stopped with everyone. No one asked to hang out with me, no one asked how I was doing, and they couldn't care less about my newborn son. That's when I decided that I couldn't wait to get away from all the idiots that were bringing me down.
But then I entered the military wife life and it seemed to get worse. At least when I was home there was actual human interaction, but not here I was stuck in a one bedroom apartment with my 7 month old and no one to talk to. Even when I started to make friends it still didn't feel like the real deal. It was just a bunch of wives who gossiped and said things about each other behind their backs. I can honestly say my friend Sam is the only one who even comes close to what I wish for. She's always there and I feel like I've known her my whole life. I'm lucky to have her:) The thing I'm anticipating the most is that once hubby deploys, they'll all come running to be my best friend. Maybe because they're concerned (which I doubt) but mostly because they're just nosy people who want to know anything and everything. I haven't decided whether to be nice and just ignore them or be a bitch and tell them off ha! I'm sure it'll be the latter, mainly because I will be extremely crazy and hormonal with a newborn and toddler; so watch out!!
It's hard to live this kind of life without friends but it's come to show that I have no choice since no one wants me! lol. My kids are all I need until the day hubby decides we can move home and be normal again. Friends.... How many of us have them? Not me.
Our time together
8/9/11
8/8/11
My Opinion..
I am not trying to offend anyone with this post but this is my opinion, which I am entitled to.
With all the news coverage on the war lately, I feel the need to express myself on it. Meaning that I am sick to death reading about all these deaths overseas. To me it is a pointless war; yes I said it. I don't care if military spouses are supposed to be supportive of their husbands and this war. I am not. In the past they all fought for our freedom when it was being threatened, but this war is not threatening our freedom at all. We are there to fix a country and that's it. To me, this war should have ended long ago. Don't get me wrong God bless all the troops who gave their lives, but God forbid if my husband were to get killed over there I'd be pissed; and he knows that. He knows how I feel and I don't think he can blame me. I would feel like my husband died, not necessarily over nothing, but pretty close. I'm not trying to sound like an evil bitch but it's just time to get out of there and bring them ALL home. Someone somewhere needs to get their crap together and take control of this whole situation. My husband is getting ready to go to Afghanistan soon and I am terrified. I know I should think positive, but how can death not cross my mind when my husband is going to a war zone? I am not going to sit here and pretend that I am okay with all of this. I'm scared, angry, sad, nervous, and all of the above. He can reassure me all he wants but no one knows what can happen over there and I need to be prepared for it. I guess now that I know he's going and when, I need to stop bottling up everything and being scared of what people will tell me. Ugh I don't know, I just needed to rant!
With all the news coverage on the war lately, I feel the need to express myself on it. Meaning that I am sick to death reading about all these deaths overseas. To me it is a pointless war; yes I said it. I don't care if military spouses are supposed to be supportive of their husbands and this war. I am not. In the past they all fought for our freedom when it was being threatened, but this war is not threatening our freedom at all. We are there to fix a country and that's it. To me, this war should have ended long ago. Don't get me wrong God bless all the troops who gave their lives, but God forbid if my husband were to get killed over there I'd be pissed; and he knows that. He knows how I feel and I don't think he can blame me. I would feel like my husband died, not necessarily over nothing, but pretty close. I'm not trying to sound like an evil bitch but it's just time to get out of there and bring them ALL home. Someone somewhere needs to get their crap together and take control of this whole situation. My husband is getting ready to go to Afghanistan soon and I am terrified. I know I should think positive, but how can death not cross my mind when my husband is going to a war zone? I am not going to sit here and pretend that I am okay with all of this. I'm scared, angry, sad, nervous, and all of the above. He can reassure me all he wants but no one knows what can happen over there and I need to be prepared for it. I guess now that I know he's going and when, I need to stop bottling up everything and being scared of what people will tell me. Ugh I don't know, I just needed to rant!
7/30/11
Catch Up!
Okay so I am a horrible blogger! I know, I know. I just haven't felt the need to but ever since hubby started his deployment simulation and began working 12 hour shifts, I've sorta lost my mind. So this blog will be all over the place!
First off, we are settled in Oceanside and I am almost completely in love. We have a beautiful house; 3 bedrooms and 2 full bathrooms. I am beyond excited because the kids get their own bedrooms and bathroom:) We have a huge backyard and a very large front yard, hubby did good picking the house. The only room left to do is the baby's and a few boxes in ours. I love the Marine Corps "1 dependent per room rule!" It's carpeted throughout and the kitchen/dining room have very pretty tile. We have a one car garage with a pretty big driveway that we share with the neighbors. I was never a big fan of duplexes, but our garages are connected instead of the house so i'm content. My bff Sam helped me hang up some pictures to make it feel like home.. again! It's coming along pretty great, pictures later:)
In baby news "it" is doing great! I am currently 19 weeks with a December 23rd due date (which is awesome because if the baby comes on that day, they will be exactly 2 1/2 years apart). I didn't get to see a doc till I was almost five months due to the wedding, move, and me staying home for a month. We had an ultrasound on the 22nd to check on everything, and it's great! No sex was determined because this stubborn little one had it's legs closed. I had some chest pain and breathing problems that Sunday afternoon so we went to the ER, thank goodness everything was okay, but they couldn't really give me a diagnosis. We had another ultrasound, this time the legs were open, but nada!! The Dr couldn't tell:( It's frustrating as heck but we have a detailed one on the 18th. The suspense is killing me! The pregnancy is going pretty smooth, it's entirely different from the first time around. I don't have symptoms often but when I do they are so intense! Wayyy less morning sickness; whoo! I am still not showing yet! I always heard you show quicker and get bigger with your second one but I haven't! All my clothes are still huge on me so I don't think any maternity clothes will be purchased. I feel the baby moving constantly so i'm not worried about anything, I guess i'm just lucky:)
The wedding went beautifully! All mine and my sisters hard work paid off. It was a short but beautiful ceremony. My older sister(maid of honor) and hubby's cousin (best man) read our vows which made it so special. Hubby was drunk the whole night so he danced the night away with family and friends that he never gets to see, it made me really happy. My almost twin sister (we're only a year and a day apart) gave a beautiful speech that had almost everyone in tears! The pictures came out gorgeous as well. The garter was the best part because he did the worm in his blues. He turned his buckle sideways and rolled across the dirty floor, it was hilarious. Of course everyone was drunk so that made it even better. I would do it all over again!
First off, we are settled in Oceanside and I am almost completely in love. We have a beautiful house; 3 bedrooms and 2 full bathrooms. I am beyond excited because the kids get their own bedrooms and bathroom:) We have a huge backyard and a very large front yard, hubby did good picking the house. The only room left to do is the baby's and a few boxes in ours. I love the Marine Corps "1 dependent per room rule!" It's carpeted throughout and the kitchen/dining room have very pretty tile. We have a one car garage with a pretty big driveway that we share with the neighbors. I was never a big fan of duplexes, but our garages are connected instead of the house so i'm content. My bff Sam helped me hang up some pictures to make it feel like home.. again! It's coming along pretty great, pictures later:)
In baby news "it" is doing great! I am currently 19 weeks with a December 23rd due date (which is awesome because if the baby comes on that day, they will be exactly 2 1/2 years apart). I didn't get to see a doc till I was almost five months due to the wedding, move, and me staying home for a month. We had an ultrasound on the 22nd to check on everything, and it's great! No sex was determined because this stubborn little one had it's legs closed. I had some chest pain and breathing problems that Sunday afternoon so we went to the ER, thank goodness everything was okay, but they couldn't really give me a diagnosis. We had another ultrasound, this time the legs were open, but nada!! The Dr couldn't tell:( It's frustrating as heck but we have a detailed one on the 18th. The suspense is killing me! The pregnancy is going pretty smooth, it's entirely different from the first time around. I don't have symptoms often but when I do they are so intense! Wayyy less morning sickness; whoo! I am still not showing yet! I always heard you show quicker and get bigger with your second one but I haven't! All my clothes are still huge on me so I don't think any maternity clothes will be purchased. I feel the baby moving constantly so i'm not worried about anything, I guess i'm just lucky:)
The wedding went beautifully! All mine and my sisters hard work paid off. It was a short but beautiful ceremony. My older sister(maid of honor) and hubby's cousin (best man) read our vows which made it so special. Hubby was drunk the whole night so he danced the night away with family and friends that he never gets to see, it made me really happy. My almost twin sister (we're only a year and a day apart) gave a beautiful speech that had almost everyone in tears! The pictures came out gorgeous as well. The garter was the best part because he did the worm in his blues. He turned his buckle sideways and rolled across the dirty floor, it was hilarious. Of course everyone was drunk so that made it even better. I would do it all over again!
4/25/11
Big News!
So it's finally a good time to announce.....
We're having another baby!!!
I am beyond excited! I know the timing isn't exactly right but oh well this baby is a blessing:) Elias will be a perfect big brother. We've told all the family except the husbands father because he can't seem to get a hold of him. As of now I am due December 23rd, which will make Elias and this baby exactly 2 1/2 years apart. That's always what I've always wanted and it was meant to work out this way. Husband is kinda sad cause he may not be around too long after the baby is born but this is life and we can handle it. I don't really are what the gender is as long as I have a healthy baby. Also no names yet, everything we find just isn't sticking but there's plenty of time to find one. That's all I have for now! Have a good week!
We're having another baby!!!
I am beyond excited! I know the timing isn't exactly right but oh well this baby is a blessing:) Elias will be a perfect big brother. We've told all the family except the husbands father because he can't seem to get a hold of him. As of now I am due December 23rd, which will make Elias and this baby exactly 2 1/2 years apart. That's always what I've always wanted and it was meant to work out this way. Husband is kinda sad cause he may not be around too long after the baby is born but this is life and we can handle it. I don't really are what the gender is as long as I have a healthy baby. Also no names yet, everything we find just isn't sticking but there's plenty of time to find one. That's all I have for now! Have a good week!
4/3/11
VENTTTTT (short one)
I feel like I have nowhere left to turn. I feel trapped; lost; alone. Why? I have NO IDEA. I completely fell behind in school and there is no getting back. I lost my focus, motivation, and will to do anything. Hell the only thing I have been able to do is clean the house and cook. Which is totally weird because I usually can handle school and everything else but the house is a disaster. I'm just speechless... I want to reevaluate my life but then I think what the hell is the point? I am stuck and there's no way out. I would love to just run away and not have to worry about a damn thing. But I can't.
My blood pressure is through the roof and I have a bladder infection. I don't know how either happened and I hope they get better because I have soooo much on my plate to deal with. There is no point in this post. I guess just a vent of nonsense. Anything and everything is pissing me off beyond reasoning!! I wanna scream my head off then start punching. The marital problems are improving but they're still not where they should be. I have all the faith in the world that we will get better.
On a positive side the husband got his bonus and we are planning on buying a 2011 Ford Escape along with a new washer and dryer. It's our first time buying a car so I am so excited. He worked hard and I am so proud of him. If anyone has any advice on how to deal with.... I guess life PLEASE let me know. I am open to anything and everything. Thank you.
My blood pressure is through the roof and I have a bladder infection. I don't know how either happened and I hope they get better because I have soooo much on my plate to deal with. There is no point in this post. I guess just a vent of nonsense. Anything and everything is pissing me off beyond reasoning!! I wanna scream my head off then start punching. The marital problems are improving but they're still not where they should be. I have all the faith in the world that we will get better.
On a positive side the husband got his bonus and we are planning on buying a 2011 Ford Escape along with a new washer and dryer. It's our first time buying a car so I am so excited. He worked hard and I am so proud of him. If anyone has any advice on how to deal with.... I guess life PLEASE let me know. I am open to anything and everything. Thank you.
3/14/11
quick hello
I have been horrible lately with my blogging (obviously). I've just been all over the place! I am now home in Colorado visiting and taking care of things for our wedding. So far it's been fun. I am pretty upset though because two of my bridesmaids have dropped out. I thought I was important to them but I guess not. I am just focusing on the good now.
Still no word on where we're going! Ugh I am beyond frustrated right now. The husband and I have been having a lot of issues lately which sucks. It's hard to plan our vow renewal when we're like this. I have stayed a little longer than I was supposed to but I am just scared to go back because I do not like dealing with our problems. It's always a one way street with us so I have become very hesitant to discuss anything with him. And it's definitely not something that can be discussed over the phone or text messages. I just hope things can go back to "normal" when I go home.
He's about to become squad leader so I know I'll hardly see him anymore. I am not looking forward to more separation but that's life I guess. Given my recent experiences I am praying that he does not reenlist! I am fed up with this life and he hasn't even deployed yet. It's a tough spot that we're in right now so we'll see how it plays out.
In other news Elias is almost 21 months! Ahh it's flying by so fast! He is having so much fun being home with all of his cousins and being social. Still no talking but he is a very great listener. I get concerned but he's a boy and he'll learn when he wants!
I hope everyone had a great weekend!
Still no word on where we're going! Ugh I am beyond frustrated right now. The husband and I have been having a lot of issues lately which sucks. It's hard to plan our vow renewal when we're like this. I have stayed a little longer than I was supposed to but I am just scared to go back because I do not like dealing with our problems. It's always a one way street with us so I have become very hesitant to discuss anything with him. And it's definitely not something that can be discussed over the phone or text messages. I just hope things can go back to "normal" when I go home.
He's about to become squad leader so I know I'll hardly see him anymore. I am not looking forward to more separation but that's life I guess. Given my recent experiences I am praying that he does not reenlist! I am fed up with this life and he hasn't even deployed yet. It's a tough spot that we're in right now so we'll see how it plays out.
In other news Elias is almost 21 months! Ahh it's flying by so fast! He is having so much fun being home with all of his cousins and being social. Still no talking but he is a very great listener. I get concerned but he's a boy and he'll learn when he wants!
I hope everyone had a great weekend!
2/20/11
Emotional Night
I think I need to stop reading and watching. This past hour I have done nothing but cried and I have no idea why. Well I guess it's because I've been reading blogs of widows, wives of wounded military members, and I just watched the Extreme Makeover episode. It was on a soldier and his fiancée who was wounded in the Fort Hood attack. I follow her blog so I had to watch it. It was so inspirational to see how much improvement and progress he's made. They have done so much to help the victims and wounded soldiers that it brings tears to my eyes.
I started thinking about deployment. We have yet to experience one but what will happen when it finally comes. (we're looking at January of next year) Where will this war be at this time next year? What will my husband be doing out there? I don't know what I am allowed to say about his job but he is a translator. I don't know if it can be dangerous or whatever but the first linguist died last month since the Vietnam war. It scares me. I think to myself, "Has this war started to change and become even more dangerous?" Other Marines I have talked to always reassure me by telling me that they put too much money into their jobs that they won't send them anywhere dangerous.
I can't help but think that isn't enough for me; NO ONE knows what could happen out there. They will send him to Afghanistan or Iraq and there is always that chance that he'll never come back to his child or me. I freaked myself out one time to a point where I cried. When we were in the process of PCSing to Texas, I went to a smart movers meeting. While I went to sign up for it I asked them to write down the info because I knew I wouldn't remember it. This was right around the time I discovered blogging and all of the widow blogs. I just finished reading a pretty devastating one and I got up to get my charger. I noticed that cut up paper on the floor and picked it up. I didn't remember what it was so I turned it around and on the back it had numbers for widow's counselors.
For some reason I just lost it. I am a huge believer of signs and I know that reading and following those signs has led me to where I am today. So the minute I saw that I thought being a widow was my fate. I know it's a horrible thing to think just off a piece of paper but it was how I felt at the time. Ever since then I am dreading deployment. I don't know how I will handle it or how I will feel but after reading these blogs, articles, and Facebook statues, I know I will cherish each and every moment that I have with my husband because no one knows what will happen. I will pray he comes home safe but knowing the dangers he faces will always be in the back of my mind. I love you sweet, perfect, amazing, loving husband of mine and I am so blessed to have you.
I started thinking about deployment. We have yet to experience one but what will happen when it finally comes. (we're looking at January of next year) Where will this war be at this time next year? What will my husband be doing out there? I don't know what I am allowed to say about his job but he is a translator. I don't know if it can be dangerous or whatever but the first linguist died last month since the Vietnam war. It scares me. I think to myself, "Has this war started to change and become even more dangerous?" Other Marines I have talked to always reassure me by telling me that they put too much money into their jobs that they won't send them anywhere dangerous.
I can't help but think that isn't enough for me; NO ONE knows what could happen out there. They will send him to Afghanistan or Iraq and there is always that chance that he'll never come back to his child or me. I freaked myself out one time to a point where I cried. When we were in the process of PCSing to Texas, I went to a smart movers meeting. While I went to sign up for it I asked them to write down the info because I knew I wouldn't remember it. This was right around the time I discovered blogging and all of the widow blogs. I just finished reading a pretty devastating one and I got up to get my charger. I noticed that cut up paper on the floor and picked it up. I didn't remember what it was so I turned it around and on the back it had numbers for widow's counselors.
For some reason I just lost it. I am a huge believer of signs and I know that reading and following those signs has led me to where I am today. So the minute I saw that I thought being a widow was my fate. I know it's a horrible thing to think just off a piece of paper but it was how I felt at the time. Ever since then I am dreading deployment. I don't know how I will handle it or how I will feel but after reading these blogs, articles, and Facebook statues, I know I will cherish each and every moment that I have with my husband because no one knows what will happen. I will pray he comes home safe but knowing the dangers he faces will always be in the back of my mind. I love you sweet, perfect, amazing, loving husband of mine and I am so blessed to have you.
2/14/11
I just wanted to share
When we got married it was just a quick JP wedding at the courthouse. I literally just got out of the hospital that morning. I wanted a formal wedding because his sisters weren't even there. So we decided to do a formal one on July 2nd of this year. I chose this year because he deploys next year and I don't want to be negative but you just never know what will happen out there. He agreed so we got on it right away. We have the hall, dj, and caterer reserved along with the photographer. I wanted to go as formal as possible so we took "engagement" pictures and I just put in the order for our save the dates. I am beyond excited for this wedding. Here are some of the engagement pictures we took. Enjoy..
I just LOVE LOVE LOVE him!! Till death do us part baby!!
Death
It is a scary thing and something I have seen too much in my life. I just found out that another friend passed away. Not only was he a friend but he was the uncle to my nephew. His sister and my brother share an amazing child. Since I left home I lost 3 great friends and now this is the fourth. It's so much to process because I don't get to go pay my respects and say goodbye. I'm going home next week and all I can think about is how many grave sites I have to go visit. I never got a chance to say goodbye and I never got a chance to let them know they were amazing friends to me. I don't know why they all had to go so young and I don't think i'll ever understand.
I don't get to see my nephew and neither does my brother. So much drama happened and she's one of those people who think of themselves. I try to reach out to her but all she does is think I'm talking to her just cause my brother made me. It's been 2 years since I last saw my nephew and it breaks my heart. He will be 4 in June and he hasn't even met 2 of his cousins yet. My brother isn't exactly a role model but he is trying to get his life together for his son. It's just too bad that she can't see that. My brother is hoping this death will open up her eyes and realize he needs his father. I'm praying for that as well.
Death is hard to understand but all you can hope is that it changes people for the better. I hope I tell my loved ones everyday what they mean to me and my friends how much I appreciate them. So I love you all and thank you for always being there! I will always try to do the same.
I don't get to see my nephew and neither does my brother. So much drama happened and she's one of those people who think of themselves. I try to reach out to her but all she does is think I'm talking to her just cause my brother made me. It's been 2 years since I last saw my nephew and it breaks my heart. He will be 4 in June and he hasn't even met 2 of his cousins yet. My brother isn't exactly a role model but he is trying to get his life together for his son. It's just too bad that she can't see that. My brother is hoping this death will open up her eyes and realize he needs his father. I'm praying for that as well.
2/11/11
Day 6
Day 06 - A picture of a person you'd love to trade places with for a day
Carrie Underwood! She is so amazing to me and I love everything about her. It would be so amazing to see what her life is like. I hope one day to see her in concert. That is my life dream!
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