Emotional Night

I think I need to stop reading and watching. This past hour I have done nothing but cried and I have no idea why. Well I guess it's because I've been reading blogs of widows, wives of wounded military members, and I just watched the Extreme Makeover episode. It was on a soldier and his fiancée who was wounded in the Fort Hood attack. I follow her blog so I had to watch it. It was so inspirational to see how much improvement and progress he's made. They have done so much to help the victims and wounded soldiers that it brings tears to my eyes.

I started thinking about deployment. We have yet to experience one but what will happen when it finally comes. (we're looking at January of next year) Where will this war be at this time next year? What will my husband be doing out there? I don't know what I am allowed to say about his job but he is a translator. I don't know if it can be dangerous or whatever but the first linguist died last month since the Vietnam war. It scares me. I think to myself, "Has this war started to change and become even more dangerous?" Other Marines I have talked to always reassure me by telling me that they put too much money into their jobs that they won't send them anywhere dangerous.

I can't help but think that isn't enough for me; NO ONE knows what could happen out there. They will send him to Afghanistan or Iraq and there is always that chance that he'll never come back to his child or me. I freaked myself out one time to a point where I cried. When we were in the process of PCSing to Texas, I went to a smart movers meeting. While I went to sign up for it I asked them to write down the info because I knew I wouldn't remember it. This was right around the time I discovered blogging and all of the widow blogs. I just finished reading a pretty devastating one and I got up to get my charger. I noticed that cut up paper on the floor and picked it up. I didn't remember what it was so I turned it around and on the back it had numbers for widow's counselors.


 For some reason I just lost it. I am a huge believer of signs and I know that reading and following those signs has led me to where I am today. So the minute I saw that I thought being a widow was my fate. I know it's a horrible thing to think just off a piece of paper but it was how I felt at the time. Ever since then I am dreading deployment. I don't know how I will handle it or how I will feel but after reading these blogs, articles, and Facebook statues, I know I will cherish each and every moment that I have with my husband because no one knows what will happen. I will pray he comes home safe but knowing the dangers he faces will always be in the back of my mind. I love you sweet, perfect, amazing, loving husband of mine and I am so blessed to have you.